When my first kids were born, grandparent-aged folks would often look wistfully at my two babies and remark with a smile, “Cherish these days…they go by so fast.” Also, they would usually say this at a time when I was completely run ragged by whatever shenanigans my kids had performed that day…but I always knew they meant well.
When you’re just in the survival period of parenting, though, it can be really tough to be an intentional parent. Especially if you have multiple small children, some days all you can manage is to keep them fed, un-injured, and hold together your own sanity to not yell. MOMMY NEEDS A TIME OUT…been there!!
Listen: I’m not a perfect parent, and neither are you. How do I know this? Because we’re both human.
My kids currently span ages 2-11, so although one of them acts like she’s 17, I have not yet experienced the full joy of parenting teenagers for myself; and I know that some of you are ahead of me on that one! But there are definitely some recommendations I feel strongly about when it comes to parenting. I know that everyone has their own parenting style; however, having seen literally thousands of students over the years who are the by-product of many parenting styles, I can tell you that by the time they get to high school, the fruit they exhibit starts to show very clearly what seeds were planted up until that point. (Since you’re a teacher too, I bet you bet you know exactly what I’m talking about!)
I don’t believe that everything in life is subjective; there ARE things that are objectively TRUE and RIGHT in the world, as well as things that are objectively false and wrong.
We all love our kids and want to do the best we can for them. Sometimes (many times) we are exhausted. Here’s a list of some of my personal intentional parenting non-negotiables: the things that I will pay attention to and do ON PURPOSE for my kids, no matter how tired I am.
Table of contents
1. Limit screen time.
At home: In our house, my kids know that they can get a cell phone the same time I got one: when they can afford to pay for it (including monthly bills) themselves. I got a cell phone at age 23. My students are aghast when I tell them this. But guess what? I survived just fine without it for 23 years (and so did many of you, even longer!) There is so much research out there on the damage that excessive screen time does, especially to young people: spinal/postural issues, addiction, low self-esteem, lack of social skills, social anxiety disorders, etc. Make it an absolute point to limit your kids’ screen time from all sources: cell phones, computers, tablets, video games, and TV. It adds up!
At school: It’s no secret that the distraction of devices in schools nowadays is, to put it mildly, problematic. Go old school! Break out the pencils, paper, and the hardcover books. The crazy part: they love it. My students are starving for someone to take them off the devices they’re in front of all day. I even have a few students who got it written into their IEPs because working off a piece of paper cognitively helps them perform better than on a screen. And guess what? It’s harder to cheat when you’re not in front of the internet…(bye bye, AI…)
2. Pre-screen EVERYTHING they watch.
Do I really mean everything??
Yup. EVERYTHING. Because things can’t be un-seen.
At home: As a follow-up to the previous recommendation, whatever your kids DO watch should be pre-screened by you. I know some may think this is extreme, but this is something very intentional that my husband and I have done since my youngest were babies. TV, like the internet, is filled with trash for the taking. That includes commercials. If you’re of an older era like me (child of the 80’s and 90’s is now considered “vintage”…yikes!), then this is going to be a reality check for you. The world, and the world’s entertainment channels, are NOT the same as when we were kids, and children are targeted at a MUCH younger age (like, preschool age) for sexualized messages. It is a sad, sad truth, and one that I take quite seriously as a parent. We haven’t had cable in my house for 20 years. The screen time I allow for my kids consists of dvds we own and streaming movies/tv that we have already vetted and trust. Because this is normal for my kids, even when they go to a friend’s house without us, if they are invited to watch something they decline it themselves unless they’ve seen it before or get explicit permission from me to watch it. I’m ok with seeming extreme on this: have you ever watched something you wish you could un-see? I have. And I am determined to intentionally protect my kids from that same type of damage, to the best extent I can. Yes, they will make their own choices when they’re older. But I believe that if you train a child in the way he should go, when he is older he will not depart from it. Plant those seeds and even if they stray, they’ll always have an internal compass to lead them back.
At school: Yup, same goes here. Especially if you’re a newer teacher, you might think to yourself, “This is a movie based on the bok we just read. It’s fine!” I’m here to tell you…NOPE! You must pre-screen everything before showing it to a class! You never know where a director is going to take liberty and put you in a very awkward scenario in front of 25 pairs of eyes…trust me on this; it’s happened more than once to me, with classics you might assume were “safe”: Hamlet, The Great Gatsby, A Raisin in the Sun, Romeo and Juliet…
3. Model good phone etiquette.
At home: This one was really an eye-opener for me. When my 1 year old started playing with a calculator and “texting” on it, saying to me, “I’m sending my message!” it was really convicting and I knew I had to be more intentional.
For example: don’t bring your phone to the dinner table. When your kid talks to you, put the phone down and look them in the eye. Don’t be talking to someone on the phone when you’re ringing out groceries at the checkout line. Be polite, and model good behavior that your kids will emulate. Because we know that they will emulate whatever they see.
At school: Don’t be on your phone in front of students unless you absolutely must! (Example: my school requires a 2-step authentication to log in to my laptop via an app on my phone. Aside from that, I do not use my phone in front of students!) If the students see you do it, why shouldn’t they do it too? This is not a battle you want to make harder on yourself!
4. Remember how dangerous the internet is.
At home: In my house, I have a joke with my kids: “The internet is full of garbage…EXCEPT Tightrope Teaching, THAT’S golden; but everything else, on the other hand…” 🙂
But seriously: yes, they need it more for school nowadays. Yes, technological literacy is more important in today’s world than it used to be. But like the tv and movies, remember that there are many dark, dangerous corners of the internet that would just love to suck your kids in. I could go on for a long time about this…but the short and sweet version is, POLICE that internet usage. You are literally protecting your children. Even as teenagers, they don’t “deserve” privacy on the internet…because you have their best interest at heart, but LOTS of other folks out there don’t. If you refer back to #1 and your kid doesn’t have his/her own phone, this is going to be a lot easier to monitor.
At school: Here’s a true story as an example: I had a 9th grade student tell me she was staying up all night into the wee hours “talking” to a man much older than her. I of course told her to STOP and cut this off IMMEDIATELY, emphasizing how bad and dangerous this was (and she did: testimony to building relationships with your students). But here’s the thing: if her parents didn’t allow her to have a phone, or at least took it away at bedtime, that wouldn’t have happened. From the teacher side, you may very well be able to notice and intervene in ways that the parents aren’t even aware of–take that charge seriously!
5. Play together/Spend Quality Time
At home: Kids love quality time. I can’t tell you the number of times a student has written for a class assignment about the fond memories they have of just spending quality time with their family, or how many times my own kids have leafed through photo albums reminiscing about the times we’ve shared. If your kids are little, get on the floor and build some blocks, play trains, or mold playdoh. Chase them around the house (I promise, you’ll wear out before they do!) If your kids are older, take them on special dates to show them that you are intentionally prioritizing them. My co-teacher does this once a week with her 8 year old son: every week they do “Fun Friday” where they go to a movie, or order takeout in their jammies. My husband and I started doing dates with our older kids when they were about 6. Once a month, we would schedule mommy-daughter and daddy-daughter dates: he would take one out and I would take the other. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive: go to a bakery and pick out 1 special item; find a new playground or park to explore together; spend the day window shopping in a new town. The whole point is that your kid knows you are being intentional about spending time with them. Trust me; they’ll remember it for years to come.
At school: Build relationships with students. Take the time to learn some things about them as people. Remember the old adage: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” (read my blog post on this topic here!)
6. Model healthy habits and relationships.
At home: This one I have felt so strongly about since my eldest were babies; I’ve been keenly aware that what they see, they will copy. I don’t think I need to detail here for you all of the ways that adults have messed up relationship problems (with spouses, friends, siblings, parents). We don’t want to be the reason our kids need therapy when they’re older, right? While you do need to allow yourself a certain amount of grace for being human, I think it’s also super important to consciously do your very best in this area. In my first marriage, there was a WHOLE lotta dysfunction going on…like, a LOT. I didn’t recognize it for a long time. But once my kids were born, it gave me a new perspective: was this the kind of relationship I wanted my kids to think was normal and acceptable? Did I want them to repeat my mistakes? Absolutely, unequivocally, NO. It made me really aware of the importance of modeling healthy relationships to give my kids the best shot at their own futures (pro tip: if you’re single and looking to get married and have kids someday, keep this in mind!! Choose a partner who will set a great example for your kids and be a fantastic parent to them. Trust me, you will thank yourself in the long term! I wish someone had given me that advice 20 years ago!) I’d also like to throw in here: teach your kids about boundaries as young as you can! As I’ve mention before, I didn’t learn about boundaries until I was in my 30s and boy oh boy would that have been helpful to know…teach your kids about healthy boundaries and support them in holding the line!
At school: Use characters from texts to evaluate life choices and talk with students about good and bad decision making. Analyze characters, their motivations, and their values and choices, and the consequences (good and bad) that follow, prompting discussion among your students. Don’t be afraid to actually give good life advice and openly discuss bad life advice: call a spade a spade when you need to. As a teacher, it is false that you must be entirely neutral/gray and never show any opinion or bias. That is not true, and your students will appreciate seeing that you are a real person with life insights to share with them. Who knows: you might be the only one!
7. Always be honest (age appropriate).
At home: To me, honesty and truth-telling is hands-down the MOST important thing in every relationship and life context I can think of. Lies NEVER help a person or situation. The truth told in love is ALWAYS the right choice. So, along the lines of modeling healthy relationships, I prioritize honesty with my kids, always. Yes, even including Santa Claus. This was a tough one to navigate sometimes when they were little and a well-meaning stranger would approach our shopping cart at holiday time and say, “So, what are you asking Santa for this year?” My kids would look at me in stunned silence, wondering how to answer this question…“why is a stranger asking me about talking to a person who doesn’t exist, mommy?” I would smile politely and tell the stranger, “We don’t do Santa, we do Jesus.” The stranger would then give me the same stunned look I’d just received from my kids, having no idea how to handle this kind of response or worldview (honestly, the whole thing just made me laugh)! But the point is, my kids have always known I will tell them the truth. Why is this important? Because as they grow up and navigate more challenging and complex things in life, I want them to be able to rely on me and know they can always come to me for a truthful answer. I want them to trust me and our relationship.
At school: I tell my students in my Day 1 syllabus that the most important thing to me is honesty. I will always be honest with them (including telling them if I’m just running behind on grading, or if a lesson didn’t go as I’d hoped so let’s try Plan B together)…and I expect them to always be honest with me too. Didn’t do your homework? Please admit truthfully that you stayed up all night playing Fortnite instead of selling me a sob story about your “uncle” who you went to visit in the hospital on his deathbed…I don’t take kindly to being lied to, but an honest person I will always approach with empathy and a spirit of cooperation. Training your students to be honest is a life skill that will serve them far more in the future than any piece of curriculum.
Well, this is a quick list of 7 of my priorities when it comes to intentional parenting. What are yours?
Take some time before the school year really gets going to write down your own list, split up into school and home (feel free to use any of mine as a starting point!) Your list may be different, but overall the most important thing I think we can agree on is that our children are precious, special, and we have a mighty and weighty privilege and responsibility being entrusted with their care and development. As you’re sifting through your priority list for balancing out your time and workload at home and at school, don’t forget to keep the first things first when it comes to the most precious people in your lives.