Avoiding Teacher Burnout: Why You Need to Say NO

Popular Question: Are you exhausted and overwhelmed?

Most of us would probably say yes.

Unpopular Question: Have you ever considered that it may be partially your own fault?

:::silence & awkward stares:::

Wait! Here’s the good news about that! If it is your fault, that means it is within your power to change it.

Still here? Awesome. Buckle up and let’s talk real for a minute.

The Inability to Say NO

In the past week, I’ve had conversations with at least 5 different adults who have all expressed the same frustration: too much to do, not enough time to do it, exhaustion, overwhelm, and stress.

Can you relate?

I’m betting that most of you can.

The truth is, teaching is a rewarding, fulfilling, honorable way to spend your career: pouring into the mental and emotional development of the next generation.

It also is exceptionally exhausting. It WILL take over your life if you allow it to, and if done wrong, has the potential to be one of the most UNbalanced professions out there.

If you’ve read one of my first posts on control, you’ll know that I have lots of experience with imbalance. I know what it’s like to not be able to say “no”: like that time in high school when I was a full-time student working 3 jobs, doing 2 afterschool sports, in a relationship, and maintaining the honor roll.

Driven? That’s me…driving straight into oncoming traffic and hitting the steel guard rail at 55mph due to falling asleep at the wheel from extreme prolonged sleep deprivation. I was 17. A lifestyle of imbalance literally almost killed me.

This post is about the type of imbalance that we bring upon ourselves in the name of good, honor, and self-sacrifice.

It’s the kind of imbalance that is heroic and shows a servant’s heart. 

It will also burn you out, run you down, and give you long term health conditions. And yes, it could eventually kill you.

Boundaries

NO is one of the first words most babies learn how to say, and they CERTAINLY have no problem saying it! They will scream it, sing it, and repeat just to hear themselves say it. They will say it behind your back and to your face. They will make it into a song…!

So where exactly along the path of life do we lose that? How do we go from a firm and assured ability to say NO endlessly to being paralyzed with fear over what will happen if we dare to say it at all? 

There are probably multiple answers to that question; various sources of trauma and outside factors that contribute to a person’s conditioning of fear.

But there’s got to be something universal about it too, which is why I’m writing about it and why you are nodding your head saying, “me too.”

Now, I’m not suggesting we regress completely. As an adult, if you expect folks to say YES to your demands 100% of the time and obey your NO 100% of the time without causing any damage to the relationship, that’s called toxic control, narcissism, and manipulation…and that’s a whole different type of imbalance! (Not what we’re here for today)!

Healthy relationships are about give and take. They include doing things for others, being considerate and helpful, and putting the needs of others ahead of ourselves. 

We learn that self-sacrifice equals love…and that’s true. Jesus gave us the ultimate example of that. BUT…I am not God, and neither are you (thank God for that!)

We are simply not built to handle an infinite amount of pressure and responsibility with no rest or relief; we need a release. 

We need balance.

We need to recharge. 

We need healthy personal boundaries. 

We need to be able to say NO…without feeling guilty about it.

If you haven’t yet read one of the Boundaries books by Cloud & Townsend, do it. They have several books tailored to different types of relationships (Boundaries with Kids, in Marriage, for Leaders, etc). 

I read one of these books for the first time in my early 30s and it LITERALLY changed my life. My eyes were opened to SO many mistakes I had been making in my relationships for basically my whole life…and once I started learning what healthy boundaries were (and were not), EVERYTHING changed. I was able to really, truly have healthy relationships for the first time.

Professional Boundaries

In the bubbles of our own classrooms, we are usually very good at setting boundaries. 

We call them “classroom expectations,” and lay out clear consequences of what will happen if those boundaries are crossed. 

We set up directions, parameters, assignments, grading criteria, rubrics, and deadlines. Often, a student’s grade reflects (at least in part) how successful they were at communicating their ideas within the prescribed limitations of those boundaries. Sometimes we even involve students in the process of setting up boundaries and consequences, both in behavior expectations and sometimes even in assignment and assessment design. 

Students constantly see their teachers model boundary-setting and follow-through.

But the part of a teacher’s job that no college course prepares you for is all of the OTHER things a teacher does, which often have a tremendous amount of pressure associated with them: the extra responsibilities and career opportunities that are presented to us. 

For example: PLC/department responsibilities, club or grade-level advisor roles, committee membership within your school or district, community-bridging initiatives, chaperoning and coaching…

All of these things need people to run them. All of them have a positive impact on the school community. All of them are great points to be able to add to your resume. Some of them even come with a monetary stipend. BUT… all of these things do not have to be done by YOU.

Please read that again.

A school is a TEAM of people working together, and we all know there’s no “I”…

The success of that thing in front of you does NOT rest solely on YOUR shoulders. While you are special, you are also replaceable. That may seem harsh, but in actuality it should relieve some pressure from you: it’s not all up to you.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you shirk responsibility at work and just pass it on to the next guy, the one who is worse at saying “no” than you are. I’m not even saying you need to say NO to everything presented to you! I’m encouraging you to realize that your resources (time and energy) are not limitless, and therefore you need to be choosy. You need to BUDGET your time the way you BUDGET your money.

Parents, what kind of example are we setting for our own children at home? After all, we are also our own children’s first (and primary) teachers. Children copy the behaviors and habits of their parents/caregivers, both good and bad. 

If we are overwhelmed, over-committed, exhausted, and chronically stressed out, is that the model we want our own children to follow in adulthood? Is our message to them, “Do as I say but not as I do”?

Ouch. 

I don’t know about you, but that’s a pretty solid sock-in-the-gut reality check for me. 

I want my children to have fulfilling, well-balanced adult lives that are firmly rooted in having their priorities straight. Learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in all areas of life is absolutely essential to that.

Parenthood and Teacherhood are so similar in the aspect of self-sacrifice. To a point, that’s good. But there is also a point where we need to be really honest with ourselves and ask what kind of example we are setting. Because our children WILL follow what we do, not what we say. 

Real talk: If you don’t have the confidence or the courage to master the boundary of NO for your own benefit, do it for your kids.

Please, let that sink in.

There have definitely been various crisis points in my life when it was hard to tell which way was up…and in those times, the only two compasses I had pointing me North were God and my kids. When I had no idea what to do for myself and the whole world made no sense, those two things remained constant; I could do it for them, even when I couldn’t do it for myself. So take that self-sacrifice inclination you have and re-frame it in your mind. Instead of working yourself into the ground to involve your kid in one more thing, pause and think of the life example you will set for them about what healthy balance looks like if you say NO.

The season of your life should be a HUGE factor in whether you say “yes” or “no” to something. And if you are someone who is truly paralyzed by the idea of saying “no,” you can add an easier-to-swallow version to your vocabulary: “Not right now.” 

For example: at the very beginning of my teaching career, I was in a school just 30 minutes from where I grew up, living alone in a rented apartment, and had no real urgent demands on my time other than my new job. 

Season: Not so busy (besides being a new teacher). Great season to say “yes”! (Examples: I chaperoned dances and field trips, did lots of extra PD classes, taught summer school, and volunteered to advise an after-school club).

Fast forward to now: married with 4 kids under age 10, recently moved 4 states away to a place I’d never been, “new teacher” again for the first time in 17 years. 

Season: varies between BUSY and BUSIER! Season of CAUTION: choose carefully what to say yes to! Get comfortable with saying “no” and “not right now” to preserve energy, sanity, and personal relationships. (Examples: I volunteered for a district curriculum committee and a club advisor position for one semester. The following semester, I declined both and committed to leave school most days by 3:30 to spend more time with my family during the week).

So how can you determine for yourself what season you’re in, and how to make wise choices to balance your life better? Here’s a short self-assessment:

• Am I passionate about this? Will it energize or drain me? (Are you “inspired-tired,” or just plain exhausted?)
• What is my motive for doing this? (Am I doing it because I want to, or because someone else wants me to?)
• Time=Money…Do I have enough in my account to pay for this? (Don’t go into “time debt”)
• What will happen if I don’t do this? (Will it impact my job? Will it impact my family?)
• What will happen if I do this? (Will it impact my job? Will it impact my family?)
• What am I willing to give up for this? (There’s always a cost to saying YES: what will this choice cost you?)
• What am I not willing to give up for this? (Where do you draw the line? What’s your boundary?)

Answering each of these questions honestly should give you a pretty good idea of whether this is the season to say YES, NO, or Not right now.

OK, so you can see WHY it’s important to learn to say NO…but HOW do you do it, especially if you’re not used to it?

1. Give yourself confidence and kill fear by reminding yourself that saying NO doesn’t mean you are uncaring, anti-social, mean, unfriendly, or lazy. It means you have good balance and priorities (or at least you’re working on them). It means that self-care, your mental & physical health, and your personal relationships are important to you.
2. When answering with “no” or “not right now,” DON’T begin with: “I’m sorry, I’d love to, I wish I could, but…” Did you read #1 above? DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THAT! Instead, smile, take a breath, and say something positive and true about the thing you’re about to turn down. Then follow with a truthful, simple reason for your “no.”

Here’s an example: Your principal has just asked you to be part of the interview committee for the new Assistant Principal they are looking to hire. It will require you to take part in afterschool meetings for the next 6 weeks. You feel honored that he’s asked you, but you are already maxed out on time; there’s none left in the bank.

How you could respond: (smile) “Wow, I am so honored that you thought of me for the committee–it sounds exciting! I know how important it is for us to find a new AP who will be the perfect fit for our school. Unfortunately, I just can’t fit one more thing into my schedule right now: my plate is already so full. I really appreciate the opportunity though!

So what if you’re reading this article thinking, “I wish I had known this 2 weeks ago! I’m buried under commitments that I’ve ALREADY said YES to, and I don’t know how to get out!”

My advice to you is: remember you are human, and humans make mistakes. It’s ok to admit you’ve made a mistake and to backtrack (sometimes). Things you should consider are time promised vs time invested, and how you’ll affect others.

OK, so this will be subjective, but for example: if you have volunteered to coach little league and the season hasn’t started yet, you’re probably ok to back out of it. If you’ve had 1-2 practices already, you should probably stay in it and see if there’s a different area of your schedule you can cut to balance things. If you’re at the end of the season, stay. It wouldn’t be classy to back out now.

You should also consider what kind of ripple effect you backing out will have on others. This overlaps a bit, for example, with the little league example above: if you’ve started the season with the team, then a whole group has come to rely on you, and you should probably stick it out. But if there’s a scenario where you are the only affected by it (Example: you signed up for a 6 week PD course after school to get some CEU credits. Then you realize that you really don’t have time for this right now. The only one affected is you. Unless you’re under some urgent CEU deadline to maintain your license, you can back out of this with little to no consequence).

Ultimately, teacher burnout is not just a buzzword; it’s your life.

You only get one, and you don’t know when your timer will run out.

So let’s make the most of it by really prioritizing what matters, and being intentional with our time in order to live our lives on purpose, with purpose.