Be Kind: You don’t know what you don’t know

Every time I see this quote pop up somewhere, it hits me in the gut with a punch of TRUTH.

We know this through our own experience: how often do we mask our own personal problems at work or even around friends, putting on a facade?

How often do you answer the question “how are you” with “fine” when you’re really not?

If you’re like me, probably more often than you like to admit, and definitely more often than is emotionally healthy.

In a previous post, I talked about being gentle with yourself. Today, let’s put the focus on kindness toward others, especially the ones you who annoy you. 

Imagine with me for a moment that you could look around a crowd of people and see a little thought bubble over each of their heads revealing the toughest things they are currently dealing with:

Financial challenges.

Marriage on the rocks.

Infertility. Miscarriage.

Cancer diagnosis.

Crippling grief.

Chronic pain.

Addiction.

Abuse.

The list could go on. And it does. 

The truth is, their thoughts bubbles DO say all these things, and more. Just because we can’t see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

You have no idea what goes on behind someone else’s closed door, just like they don’t realize all the things you’re hiding from the world either.

If we ALL kept this in mind, how much more compassionate would we be throughout our day? How much more grace would we give? How much more often would we pick our battles and decide not to add another one to the pile someone else is already carrying?

Live life long enough, and you will encounter personal trauma. For some of us it happens at a younger age than others, but one thing is for sure: no one escapes this planet without battle scars, some of which never fully heal.

Have you ever been on the receiving end of somebody else’s grace when you were going through a tough time? I have.

Have you ever desperately wished that someone would take it a little easier on you because of ALL the unseen and secret things you were dealing with?

Let’s aspire to be that person who someone else remembers as the one who momentarily gave them just a little breathing space exactly when they needed it.

With our students and even our colleagues, we have the opportunity to do this every day.

Kids come from all types of home situations, and a lot of the time we would be absolutely heartbroken to learn the truth of what they deal with at home or what kinds of issues they are carrying around with them every single day.

I’ve had students confide in me about physical abuse, racial discrimination, depression, cry out for help when they were suicidal, and talk to me about unplanned pregnancies. Please don’t think this is only because I teach high school; the gut-wrenching truth is that mental health issues have been on the rise in children and adolescents:

Globally, nearly 15% of young people ages 10-19 experience a mental health disorder, accounting for 13% of the global burden of disease in this age group. 

In 2016, almost 20% of children in the United States ages 2-8 years (17.4%) had a diagnosed mental, behavioral, or developmental disorder. 

In 2018-2019, about 15% of adolescents ages 12-17 years had a major depressive episode, 37% had persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, and nearly 20% reported that they seriously considered suicide[...] 

Between 2016 and 2020, the number of children ages 3-17 years diagnosed with depression grew by 27%.

- (National Library of Medicine)

…So we who spend 40 hours every week with these children owe it to them to pay attention. We owe it to them to remember that they are children who need our help; they are humans entrusted to us first and foremost.

Yes, they can be annoying when they refuse to do their work. T

They can be infuriating when they are uncontrollable and blatantly disrespectful.

But you know what?

My own children at home, my flesh and blood whom I love fiercely and desperately, can sometimes be annoying and even infuriating (shocker to all the parents out there, I know…)

The kids in your classroom are somebody’s kids. They’re not 2D placeholders; they are a roomful of individuals; precious, impressionable souls entrusted to you. And even in high school, they are children, fighting a battle that they come underdressed to.

And we are the armor-bearers who have the responsibility of helping them. 

Let’s not fight them, even when they fight us. Let’s love them and support them.

Here are a few of my go-to non-confrontational expressions when I notice that a student is not acting like themselves: snarky and defiant when they are usually not, sleeping in class, apathetic or mentally detached from class. I find a moment to talk to them privately and say:

–Are you feeling ok today? 

-Is there anything I can do to help you? 

-You seems a little off today; is everything ok?

Using these as openers to start a conversation with the student instead of yelling at them, embarrassing them in front of the class, calling attention to them, or “cracking the whip” to get to work, is like relationship magic. Every time I approach a student this way, I am communicating to them that I actually care more about them as a person than as a student. In that moment, I could care less whether they know what a metaphor is or if they’ve handed in their homework. I care about them, human to human. This is how you build trust and a relationship. This is why kids will seek you out, even after they’ve moved on to the next grade or semester.  

Want to hear some real-life examples?

Case #1: I had a student who kept to herself. Her father was in prison and she had a whole host of mental issues, both diagnosed and not. She constantly struggled just to stay in school for the whole day because she had such severe anxiety. She often sat through my class with her head down on the desk. She wasn’t sleeping, but just sat like that for 90 minutes. Bit by bit I would check in on her. Sometimes I asked her if she wanted to sit alone in the small room adjacent to our classroom, which she often did. I did not harp on her about work, because outside of class she would get it done. Occasionally, she would crack a small smile at me through her otherwise tense and worried facial expression. It always felt like a gift; the breakthrough made my day. She was academically capable, but mentally and emotionally fragile. I did not treat her like the other students; I did not apply the normal rules to her. She had bigger fish to fry, and we both knew it. By the end of the course she was earning low 90’s, and cited me to others as her favorite teacher, which I was both surprised and touched by.

This year, when she was no longer in my class, she was beginning to have a panic attack one morning, and came to my room to seek me out. I had a class to teach, but got coverage from a neighbor so that I could walk and talk with her as I escorted her to a specialist in the building that she was close to, who could take over from there. This touched my heart, because I knew she saw me as a safe person, even though she never said it to me.

A few months later, I got word that she was hospitalized for several days due to a suicide attempt. I hadn’t seen her in awhile. I cried. I was so glad that she was ok–but my heart was absolutely broken. 

Reality check: the world your students are growing up in is not the same world you grew up in. Things change quickly, and every passing year only seems to increase that breakneck speed to unprecedented levels. It’s a hard world. These kids are having a hard time navigating it; after all, they are still children. And many of them have no clue how precious they actually are.

They’re struggling, and they need your kindness to shine out like a beacon among the rocks.

Case #2: A student who was very quiet, often tried to sleep in class, and was prone to panic attacks. One day, I noticed him really “off”: visibly sweating and shaking. It was a co-taught class, so my other half stayed in the classroom while I took this student for a walk to calm him down. I didn’t know any protocol; I just followed my instincts. I asked him to come outside into the fresh air for a change of scene and some distraction. Our school has a chicken pen, so we visited the chickens and chatted about them until he felt better.

A whole semester later, he showed up to my room during lunch and asked to talk to me. He started talking about being completely overwhelmed with a serious health issue that causes frequent absences from school, hospitalization, and really interrupts his daily life. He was feeling depressed and disconnected–and sought me out. My primary role was really just to listen, sympathize, and make him feel valued by telling him how glad I was that he came to talk to me about it. Since then, he has developed a habit of dropping by to chat and check in. It’s like a gift to me every time he does.

When they say you never know who you’re reaching, it’s true. The next time you feel tempted to blow off frustration on a student, imagine what might be in that thought bubble above their heads. It’ll probably make you think twice before speaking.

I once heard it said, “Always smile at people. You might be the only person who does that day,” and it’s always stuck with me.

It’s true. The smallest, simplest gesture on your part might mean the world to someone who is carrying the world on their shoulders at that moment.

Yes, you are a teacher. But you’re a human first, just like the younger humans you spend your days with.

Be a good one.