Two years ago, I noticed a pattern of my stress increasing when I was surrounded by clutter in my home. With 6 people (4 of them children under 9), every single room in our home was just FILLED with THINGS…EVERYWHERE. My blood pressure went up, I became more irritable, and I felt like ALL THE THINGS were just caving in on me. I was totally overwhelmed.
I talked to my husband about it, and he agreed; he felt the same way. So we embarked on a family mission to de-clutter and simplify our lives. We knew it wouldn’t be fast or easy. But we also knew that it would pay dividends in improved mental health. We explained it to our 9 year old twins, because the kids’ stuff was definitely included in this plan. We got them on board with the idea that if they have less STUFF, it will be quicker and easier to clean up that stuff when the time comes. Less time working on chores? They were all in!
De-clutter your Stuff
We found a free podcast about de-cluttering and took notes. We had to be methodical and ruthless. We had to approach each item, even sentimental ones, with an intentional mindset. We had to ask ourselves about every item:
- Does this thing bring me joy?
- Does it improve my life?
- Am I only hanging on to it because I’ve always had it?
- Am I only keeping it because I don’t want to be wasteful?
- Am I only keeping it because someone special gave it to me?
- Has it been sitting in a box for 10 years and I only now remember that it even exists because I’m trying to de-clutter this box?
Dealing with Emotions
We knew this would be hard, especially because the death of my father 6 years ago is still fresh in our hearts. Especially when someone you love goes, you want to hang on to every scrap that reminds you of them. It feels like an affront somehow to get rid of something that was theirs or that they gave you. I GET THIS.
Here’s my personal advice from going through that situation first hand: GIVE YOURSELF SOME TIME. When my father died, as his only child I inherited a LOT of THINGS, and it was challenging to find a place to keep all of them, so I knew that some of it had to go.
Once, I gave away something to someone who wanted it before I was emotionally ready to do so, and I “paid” for it with guilt, remorse, grief, anger, and tears.
Wait until you’re ready. But when you are, come up with a strategy (boundaries), and use that to guide you. For example: my father LOVED Christmas. He was famous for decorating literally every surface of every room in his home. He would start working on it mid-October in order to have it all ready by December. So, I inherited 8 LARGE bins of Christmas decor, and several things that wouldn’t fit into bins. Added to the decor we already had, we simply didn’t have the space for it in my two bedroom apartment.
So, when I was ready, I started going through everything to decide what to keep and what to give away. I came up with two boundary rules to guide me: 1) If it was obviously sentimental or I really loved it for some reason: keep it. 2) For everything else, the things that I had no specific attachment to, I would keep all the snowman themed-items. Everything else I would give away.
Another way you can navigate your emotions and feel good about giving things away or even selling them, is to keep in mind that someone else will genuinely appreciate and use that item which is only adding dust to your life. As someone who loves thrift stores and facebook marketplace, I am often the beneficiary of finding great deals on previously owned goods. Someone else clears space in their home, and I get an item that I’m specifically looking for at a great price. Win-win!
Here are two real-life examples of how this played out for me with my father’s things:
- Among the things I decided to give away, I kept some to use as gifts. Now every year at Christmas, I give those special single items to people who knew and loved my father: my aunt and uncle, my children, close friends. This way I am de-cluttering with purpose and love: they get a sweet reminder of him, and we all feel his presence a little more closely again.
- My Dad was an incredibly talented singer, songwriter, and musician. That meant I inherited a LOT of instruments, stage and recording equipment…and I don’t play any instruments.
So…what am I going to do with 15 guitars?
Well, learning to play is one option, but in my current stage of life I really don’t have any time to take that on.
When I felt ready, I gave one guitar to one of my Dad’s best friends/band mates, whom I had known for almost my whole life. He was really supportive of me, especially in the first year of grieving, and I so appreciated the love shown to me by he and his wife. He’s already got an extensive guitar collection of his own, but I knew that this one would be as special to him as it was to me. I also knew my Dad would be really happy with this move.
Another guitar I gave as a birthday present to my best friend’s 15 year old daughter, who wanted to learn guitar for the first time. This friend was more like a sister; she’d known my Dad since she was 4. Since my Dad started learning to play as a teenager, I knew he’d be really happy about this one too.
Another guitar was a rare collectible; I sold it to someone who collected guitars just like my Dad did, and he was really excited to be able to buy it.
I also sold a vintage piece of recording equipment for a great price to a kid in college who was just starting out his own musical journey. The look of excitement and happiness on his face when he came to pick it up assured me I had found it a much better home than my garage. It’s exactly the home my Dad would have wanted for that equipment, and I felt so good about the transaction.
Each of these are examples of how I was able to heal a little more in my grief each time I gave something away, instead of feeling like giving things away made the loss worse. Try to see if you can do the same type of thing; even if it’s not connected to grief/death for you, find a new home for your items that you can feel good about blessing someone else with.
Mindset Makes the Difference
Fast forward to now: two years later, have I achieved a beautifully-pinterest-minimalist home?
NOPE.
Is my garage spotless and impeccable, with everything in its place?
NOPE (that’s my step father’s superpower, not mine).
BUT here’s what HAS changed: my mindset.
I no longer feel this creeping stress, like I’m going to be engulfed by towers of STUFF at any given moment. I no longer feel like my life is out of control because my stuff is out of control. In fact, a strange but beautiful thing has happened: I’ve found a balance between letting go of the control and having it firmly in hand. I know, that sounds paradoxical and impossible…but here’s how it plays out:
I used to forbid my husband from cleaning and organizing the garage, because although it was a “black hole” that literally had almost no walking space, I felt like I had a mental catalogue of knowing generally where things were in that mess. When he spent a few hours clearing out tons of space, but then I had NO idea where anything was, I would get anxious, panicky, and even irritable & angry. Can you relate?
NOW, I’ve learned to let that GO. We’ve struck an agreement that works for us: he cleans and organizes the garage when he wants to (and surprise, surprise…I don’t feel stressed because I have taken something OFF my own to-do list by delegating it and letting go of that need for control…), and I don’t panic about where things move to: if I need to find something in there, I don’t get frustrated and irritated looking for it, I just ask him first and make it easier from the get-go. Also, he has promised not to throw away or donate things without running it past me first to see if I wanted to keep it, and therefore I’m not worried that things I really want will be gone if I need them.
Now here’s the paradoxical overlap with letting go of control and also having more control: listen closely to this one, it’s deep…
By changing the way I THINK about STUFF and the filter questions I use to determine whether I actually want to hold on to them, my own MIND is more in my control–making the decisions easier and less emotional.
I used to second-guess my choices to keep or part with THINGS, and that’s where a lot of anxiety stemmed from. But now that I have a clear set of filter questions, I find it easier to get rid of THINGS and not worry about that choice. I have clarified my priorities when it comes to objects, and that makes the associated stress just dissolve away.
Here at Tightrope Teaching we are working together on decluttering your schedule and your calendar to relieve stress. Consider doing the same to your physical surroundings if you’ve got the opportunity this summer (and remember, it might be a looong term project for you like it is for me; and that’s ok!) Breathe a little lighter by releasing unnecessary baggage from your life in all ways: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.