Stress Less for the Holidays: How to Use Boundaries to Re-claim your Joy

Ready? Set? GO!!

Is this how the holiday season feels to you? For many people, these three little words are a perfect summary of their lives from late November to January 1st each year. According to the American Psychological Association:

• 89% of U.S. adults say that concerns such as not having enough money, missing loved ones and anticipating family conflict cause them stress at this time of year

• 43% said that the stress of the holidays interferes with their ability to enjoy them

• 36% said the holidays feel like a competition

Can I bring you my most recent personal “aha” moment?

Just because this is COMMON doesn’t mean it’s NORMAL or OK.

Overbooking, overspending, and overindulging yourself for 4-6 weeks each year in the name of celebration is not improving your life. It is creating extra stress that you don’t need.

And we don’t have to do that to ourselves. We actually CAN break free from it, even if (like me) you’ve been mired in stressful habits for years. There might be a better way.

Now, let’s be clear: I am NOT suggesting that you skip the holidays! It’s the most wonderful time of the year for a reason: we have much to be thankful for and much to celebrate!

I’m suggesting that you re-frame what the holidays HAVE to be in your mind.

Want to be less stressed, more balanced, and more present during your holidays this year? Come along with me, and keep an open mind.

#1: De-clutter Your Calendar

I’ve always been one for jigsawing as many pieces as humanly possible into the 24 hours of each day…but I have finally reached a point in my life where I recognize that that lifestyle is draining me rather than filling me. It’s taking every ounce of energy I’ve got just to keep the ship running at a breakneck pace…and not allowing me to slow down and thoroughly enjoy the present.

I no longer want to be a part of that 43%.

The summer of 2023 really brought this to a head for me in a way I could no longer ignore; here’s a brief recap:

4 of the 6 people in our family have July birthdays…so it’s pretty much a month-long party in our house. This past July was also the extra-special occasion of my twins (eldest babies) turning 10 on the 10th…and sentimental mommy went overboard with multiple celebrations. Because it only happens once, right?!?

Well, add to that all the other summertime-fun things as well…and it just became TOO MUCH. We packed in SO MANY things and parties and people and places that by the time August hit, I was DONE. I was burned out.

All I wanted to do was stay in my own house, with my own family, wearing PJs all day for the remaining 3 weeks of summer before school started. We are blessed to have an abundance of loving friends and family in our lives…but I desperately needed a re-charge. That’s when my husband came up with a brilliant idea for the following summer: blackout days, just like the airlines.

The idea was to block off certain days on our calendar that would be purposely UNscheduled: no guests, no events, no appointments, no traveling…just us at home, enjoying time with each other.

If you’re like me, this sounds like a welcome respite from the breathless pace at which we usually run, run, run.

Well, we decided to apply it to the holiday season too, and try to actually be present for enjoying our December! Imagine!

Before you book up every possible moment of December with parties and people and places, look at your calendar and claim a few days JUST for yourself. Set some boundaries.

What we decided on: the first and last day of break are black-out days. In between, folks are welcome at our home, but we are NOT GOING ANYWHERE. Maybe this doesn’t sound revolutionary to you, but for us this is a first. We are used to driving everywhere to see everyone, all the time. We need a break.

Ever since my husband and I made this decision around Thanksgiving, rolling into the December has felt exciting to me instead of overwhelming and stressful. We are really, really looking forward to just being at home. It’s a beautiful feeling, and I wish we’d done it sooner.

Try a version of this for yourself: create some breathing space in your calendar!

#2: Ignore Pinterest and Hallmark; Do what fits YOUR life and brings you JOY!

I’ve touched on this idea before, but it’s worth coming back to. Please stop living your life to impress other people or worrying about what their opinion is of you–especially based on superficial things. There is so much freedom to be found when you live your life on your own terms and not others’.

Unfortunately, American culture pushes us in the EXACT OPPOSITE of this direction during the holiday season: It’s all about the “ideal holiday,” as defined for us by Hallmark and Pinterest. We are “supposed” to have:

• the perfect decor inside and outside our homes
• tons of present under the tree, preferably the newest, biggest, latest hot toy or electronic gadget
• perfect families and personal relationships
• perfect meals and beautiful homemade desserts

…and to do it all with a smile on our face and ease in our gait.

Here’s a reality check: most people don’t have that life, at least not all at the same time

I’ve had a lot of absolutely beautiful, precious holiday memories. I’ve also had some pretty terrible ones. My guess is that you can probably say the same.

Don’t forget: on social media, everyone gets to hand pick only the best moments for public display. But the reality is that the messiness of life doesn’t get put on hold just for the holidays. 

I’m going to lovingly remind you: if you’re human, you’re not perfect. Please stop trying to pretend that you are, only to get down on yourself or disappointed with life when it doesn’t happen.

Just like de-cluttering your calendar, this requires being intentional with your mindset. 

Here’s my own real-life example. 

Right after Thanksgiving this year, I had some time alone to decorate as a surprise to my family when they returned home. 2023 is going to be our first Christmas in our new home, and I had my eye on the perfect spot in our living room for a big, beautiful tree. I could just envision it!

…But then I remembered the reality of several unexpected car and computer repairs over the past 3 months that had really done a number on our bank account…trees (real and fake) are expensive! We really couldn’t afford it.

I thought more about the reality of our daily lives: we have a VERY active 3 year old, 1.5 year old, and a VERY playful and active cat. All of them are home 24/7. Now I had a new scenario I envisioned: my husband, trying to homeschool our twins during the day while also preventing both babies and the cat from breaking, playing with, and losing ornaments, or knocking the whole tree down onto themselves or each other. NOPE, that is not going to end well!

That did it. I love my husband too much to add that kind of stress to his already jam-packed days. Because nobody wants the full-time job of babysitting a Christmas tree! Our sanity as a couple is worth more to me that a picture-perfect tree for a few weeks.

So out came our mini artificial trees that we’ve had for years, perched on top of a bookcase where the babies can’t reach it. Then, instead of pulling out ALL the decorations that we own (there’s a LOT) and trying to find places for them in our already packed house (stay tuned for a blog post in January about de-cluttering all the STUFF…!) I chose a just a few that were meaningful to me and let them have front and center, and put some kid-friendly toys within easy reach. Then I draped two simple strands of lights on the bushes out front, turned on some Christmas music, and waited for my husband and kids to come home.

And you know what? It was kind of like that moment at the end of The Grinch.

The things were very minimal, but the love filled up all the spaces.

When they all came home and saw everything decked out, minimal as it was, they were overjoyed. There were squeals and shrieks of excitement and joy! Four crazy kids zoomed around dancing, jumping, running, hugging, and kissing.

The scene was more perfect, beautiful, and heartwarming than I could have imagined it.

Our entire family is really, really happy with the simplicity. It’s cozy, warm, and relaxing.

For us, the holidays were never about stuff. Our kids don’t make lists, and don’t start their January conversations with, “What did YOU get?” Living this out in America is counter-culture, and not always easy. But if it’s peace and less stress you’re after…this is the way to go.

Give it a try. Simplify.

Be Intentional: It all comes back to Boundaries

All of this really comes back to setting boundaries and being intentional. It’s taken me most of my life to even start to learn about how profoundly those two words can impact my life, and yours.

But the more I implement these things in baby steps, in different parts of my life, the more I am amazed at the results. I urge you to give it a try: pick some area of your life that causes you stress, and focus on being intentional. Set boundaries that express what you really want, not what you think others want you to want. This is YOUR life. It’s a wonderful life.

Sometimes you just need to clear away the clutter to be able to see that.