There are about a thousand ways that teaching can break your heart on a daily basis: tragic student personal stories, broken friendships at work, feeling personally attacked or targeted by admin, parents, students, or coworkers, or losing your job when you’ve poured your heart, soul, blood, sweat, and tears into it.
Perhaps you’ve experienced one of more of these; perhaps you’re in the middle of one of these storms right now.
Despite the fact that there is a nationwide teacher shortage (for a number of reasons that are not the focus of this article…but if you’re on the inside, you know…), I’ve been hearing from a LOT of folks recently who have been non-renewed or lost their positions, and not voluntarily.
This is a hard one.
Teaching is a job that folks take for the money and fame…RIGHT?!?!?
RIGHT…
No; people who become teachers typically do it for the heart: they have personalities that are naturally geared toward helping others, giving of themselves, making an impact (incidentally, it’s these very traits of selflessness and generosity that make us so susceptible to burnout and overwhelm if we’re not careful and intentional about it).
And so, when all that giving and self sacrifice is met with…nothing…or worse, rejection or accusation, the wound can run really deep.
This week let’s talk about what to do when teaching breaks your heart because you’ve been let go: how to take care of yourself, process your emotions in a healthy way, and ultimately, move forward stronger.
Table of contents
Control what you CAN; let the rest GO
Question: what is the only thing you can control in this life? Answer: yourself.
Now, let’s go even deeper into that one: we actually don’t control every part of ourselves–many bodily processes are automated (like heartbeats; thank goodness!), and although we can (and should) try to do things to take care of our bodies, ultimately diseases or accidents can send our bodies for an unexpected loop, despite our best efforts.
Even our whole brains are not under our control: ever have an intrusive thought or a terrible dream? Thanks, subconscious.
Ultimately, I think the only things we control are our conscious choices and decisions. This includes the words that come out of our mouths, the actions we take, the way we allow our emotions to come out and manifest in the world.
Let me break it down this way: with my kids, I teach them about healthy emotional processing with a few simple rules. 1) You are allowed to have your feelings, but you’re not allowed to hurt somebody else because of those feelings. 2) You are allowed to have your feelings, but you are responsible for expressing them the right way.
For example, if my daughter gets angry at her sister for something, she is allowed to feel angry. What she’s NOT allowed to do with that anger is scream at her sister, call her names, or lay her hands on her. Instead, she must choose to communicate in a way that seeks to mend the situation, not enflame it (ex: in a calm voice, say “Hey, that comment really hurt my feelings. Please don’t say things like that to me”).
How does this apply to work hurt? Control what you can; let the rest go.
If you are having an issue with a colleague, parent, or admin who is hurtful to you (especially ongoing), or any of these things in connection with your contract being non-renewed, don’t stress about their reactions, words, or choices: you literally cannot control any of those things.
What you CAN control is what you do, or how you react. And I promise you, although taking a petty or vindictive emotional route may seem really tempting or satisfying at the time, if you resist that and control yourself to always take the high road, you will never regret it. Resolve for yourself that no matter what anyone else does or how anyone else acts, YOU will be the classiest person in the room, with every word that comes out of your mouth. If you do this, you will be beyond reproach by anyone, including yourself. This bodes well for your own self-concept as a person and as a professional, and enable you to always be proud of how you handled this situation when you look back on it in the future.
You See what You Focus On
Did you know that resiliency is linked to gratitude?
OK, this might feel like a hard pill to swallow. You may be thinking: I’m going through a terrible time right now and you want me to be grateful for it?
Sort of. I want you to be grateful in spite of it.
Resiliency, or the ability to bounce back after challenge and difficulty, is closely linked to the amount of gratitude a person feels. And carrying over from the previous section, this is something entirely within your control. It may be absolutely true that your first reaction to your situation is anger, sadness, and heartbreak. But what I need you to realize is that you see what you focus on. And it is entirely up to you what you choose to focus on in this situation.
I’m not suggesting that you deny or invalidate the hurt feelings that you have. I’m suggesting that you acknowledge those feelings are real, and then decide for yourself what you are going to do with them.
Are you going to allow them to fester and rule, simmering always beneath the surface (or out in the open) forever? Are you going to spew your bitterness onto anyone who will listen for the foreseeable future? Will doing any of these things change your situation? This is another parenting parallel in my house: when one of my little ones doesn’t like a decision I’ve made (no, you can’t have a 4th cookie…) and decides to throw a tantrum about it, I just look at them in an unaffected way and say, “you can cry and scream about it, but it’s not going to change anything.” Then I ignore it. It doesn’t take them too long to figure out that this tantrum is not going to get them what they want, and they stop. The premise here is the same. If you give in to the tantrum you want to express, is it going to change anything? Likely not. You now have a choice to make: how will you proceed forward?
My recommendation is to acknowledge that yes, this thing hurts. You may even have been wronged, falsely accused, or blindsided and not even sure what happened.
This isn’t fair!
True.
I don’t deserve this!
True.
Those facts won’t change your current situation. Now what?
Now, shift your focus onto the things you have to be thankful for. When tempted to sink into how bad it is, instead think of how much worse it could be. What are all the pieces of your life that are still good? You will find things to be thankful for in spite of your problem, and will no longer focus on it. And this one bad thing, although it is a big thing, will shrink in comparison to all the other good things that overshadow it.
For example:
I’ve lost my job, BUT I have a family who loves me.
I am healthy.
I live indoors and have food to eat.
I don’t live in a war zone where I fear for my life.
I woke up breathing this morning.
True.
I did a version of this exercise during the lockdowns in Spring 2020. I was teaching asynchronously from home, 7 months pregnant, and had my twins finishing 2nd grade with me at home. I got inspired by the old fashioned idea of hash marks on a prison wall, but gave it a positive twist: We started a gratitude list. Every day of lock down, every person in the family added something to the list that they were grateful for. It went on for months, and wallpapered our hallway. After things got back to normal, I rolled it up and kept it: to me, it’s a beautiful reminder that in the darkest times there is always light to be found, if we just look for it. Here’s a photo from Day 1:
You Never Know
You must consider the possibility that this terrible thing right now, the one that is devastating you, could very well turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Let’s say that you never would have left this job by your own choice. But now, you’re forced to do something else. What if, 5 years down the road, this turns into the best thing that ever happened to you? What if it opens doors you didn’t know existed, leading to paths you never even thought about going down? Honestly, crazier things have happened.
Sometimes our prayers are answered with a “no” that seems devastating at the time, but later on we can see how it actually all worked out better than we could have imagined. I know for me personally, this has proven true time and time again. It is quite possible that this closed door you’re experiencing right now is pointing you in the direction of that window over there. Embrace the possibility of adventure and new beginnings; they’re a special opportunity. But you’ve got to have your eyes open, or you’ll miss it in the distraction of grief.
Closure
Let’s wrap this up by talking about how to wrap it up. You are likely dealing with a lot of emotions right now. Keep at the front of your mind gratitude, positive expectancy for the future, and the knowledge that you were able to leave a lasting impression on the students you served in that role.
When I left my first school, it was with a lot of tears. It was my first teaching job out of college; I had worked there for 17 years and thought that’s where I’d retire. I had many established friendships and work relationships, no complaints about my working conditions…no plans to leave. But God had other plans: to push me outside of my comfort zone and move me and my family 600 miles to a place I’d never been before.
Although the move was God calling me out and not the school pushing me out, I still had a LOT of emotions in those last few weeks especially; 17 years is a long time to love a place. I needed closure. I defined what felt right to me: for me, I just wanted to keep it simple: I wanted one last picture in front of my classroom board with a simple message. Here’s my social media post about it, from 2 years ago:
Decide what will give you closure and help you leave on a positive note, and do it. Don’t feel shy; you want to be able to look back with no regrets. Even if you’re not leaving this job on your terms or even because you want to, your final goodbye can still largely be controlled by you: you get to create that memory.
Leave some space for yourself on that last day; be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to a fancy coffee on the way home, go for a walk in the woods, go out for ice cream with your family to celebrate the end of an era…whatever makes you happy, that last day is the time to create your own closure–make sure you prioritize taking care of yourself with gentle hands on that day and for a few days after, at the least. You’re tender. Treat yourself that way.
I have one last image to leave you with:
Here’s what I want to ask you about this picture: what do you see? Lots of green leaves? Four white gardenia blossoms? The dead leaves on the ground? The flowers starting to wilt from the intensity of heat and sun?
Or do you see the buds, just waiting for exactly the right moment to burst open with the blessing of their heavenly fragrance? (Try a fun exercise in perspective: Let me know how many buds you see in this picture!) 😉
Two days ago this bush in my backyard was completely green. Then, literally overnight it exploded with 50 white blossoms! I could smell it from the driveway in front of the house when I got into my car Thursday morning!
The concept of beginnings and endings is such a deep one; it touches every area of our lives and demands thoughtful introspection. Endings can feel bad, but in retrospect they sometimes turn out to be exactly what you needed when you didn’t even know you needed it, opening the door of possibility for a grand new adventure.