If you’ve ever been on an airplane, then you know the drill.
As you’re waiting for takeoff, the flight attendants stand up in front and demonstrate what to do in case of an emergency (which, thankfully, almost never happens!) And when they get to the part about the oxygen masks, they remind you that if you are sitting with a child, you should put your mask on first, THEN the child’s mask.
As a parent, this is SO counterintuitive!
Part of good parenting is self-sacrifice: we take the brunt of the difficulty in so many contexts throughout our children’s lives in order to spare them from it, because we love them.
When it’s mealtime and there’s one extra helping left, if I’m still hungry but my daughter asks for it…Yes, of course you can have it, baby.
When it’s cold outside and my son has forgotten his gloves…Here, take mine to keep your hands warm.
When I’m dead tired in the middle of the night because it’s been a full day of working and taking care of the family and the house, but my child wakes up because they have a fever…Yes, I will sit up with you and rock you into the wee hours.
True love inspires self-sacrifice.
BUT…
Something it has taken me years and a lot of pain to learn is that self- sacrifice must have a limit. And THAT seems counterintuitive too, right?
There comes a point where we MUST put on our own oxygen mask first: otherwise we won’t be of any use to the ones who need our help in putting on theirs.
Boundaries
You’ve heard me talk about boundaries before, and here it is again: BOUNDARIES.
This seems like such a simple and straightforward word and concept, but it eluded and confused me for SO long! I want to try to help speed up that learning curve for you.
Boundaries are required for healthy relationships and self-care. Period.
My first marriage ended in divorce. It was one of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life. But through it, I LEARNED SO MUCH. #1: God is faithful, always. #2: There is a very fine line between self-sacrificial love and enabling through a lack of boundaries.
One of the most important and life-changing mindset shifts for me through that process was learning the difference between self-sacrifice, submission, and enabling. Without all the messy details: a near complete lack of boundaries in that first marriage created a very unhealthy relationship and toxic environment. It was a large contributor to the major problems that ultimately caused the relationship to end.
None of us wants this! Learn from my mistakes.
I think that one of the most common personality traits of teachers, at any grade level, is generosity and compassion for others. And I really think that this is at the heart of teacher burnout and overwhelm.
You know I could go on and on about this (and so could you, because you’re living it too): teachers across the board are overworked and underpaid. Between the class sizes, behavior issues, curriculum and standard demands, PD, licensure requirements, legal obligations like IEP, mandated reporter, and other new laws being created, and student emotional issues, we are really expected to do A LOT.
We are expected to have professional level expertise in:
- Subject area content
- Teaching methods and child development
- Safety (lockdown emergency procedures, etc)
- Behavior management ranging from mild to extreme (throwing furniture, violence, etc)
- Management of students with learning disabilities and emotional disabilities
- Time management
- Curriculum design and state standards
- And more!
Most teachers I know work 50-60 hours a week, with 10-20 of those being off the clock, unpaid. The student teaching system sets us up for an expectation of unhealthy work life balance before we even officially get hired: it requires that an adult work unpaid for 12 weeks, or else hold a second job, WHILE doing all of the above as a novice. Teachers give sacrificially of their time, money, and hearts. We WANT to do well for the students. But friend, there has to be a limit.
At some point, this becomes unhealthy. Stress CAN and DOES kill people. I know of teachers who have been forced to go on medical leave either for physical or mental reasons directly related to their jobs. You’ve only got one life: no job is worth that trade.
Enter: BOUNDARIES.
Quick Tips
Here are some quick tips for how to start instilling boundaries at work for the sake of your own mental and physical well-being.
1. Don’t bring work home.
I call it “a bag of good intentions.” Unless you’re weight training by just lugging it back and forth each day, ditch it. GET RID OF THE BAG. For years I just accepted it as normal that teachers work round the clock, and every other profession leaves their work at work. Friend, it’s NOT normal, and it’s NOT healthy. I’ll give you a slight pass at report card time, but hear this: bringing work home should happen a MAXIMUM of 4x PER SCHOOL YEAR. That’s it. NOT every day, and NOT every week!
2. Set yourself a timer.
This one you get to choose for what works with your schedule, but whatever time you choose, stick to it!
For me, school ends at 2:18. When I was a first-year teacher climbing that first-year hurdle (which is inherently extra work), I stayed at school until 6pm. Then I left empty handed and went home. (I was also living alone and had no husband or kids). Nearly 20 years later, I’m married with four small children: Now, the latest I will stay at school is 4pm (though most days I try to leave by 3pm). I know this can be a tough mindset shift to make because you don’t want to feel like things are left undone…more on that in a future article.
3. Set office hours for extra help, and stick to them.
This will vary by your school’s requirements: my first school required one after school help session per week, whereas my second school requires 2 lunch periods per week. Stay within your school’s rules, but set your own boundary: you are NOT obligated to give up EVERY lunch period or EVERY day after school! Just like we as adults have to schedule a doctor’s appointment, oil change, or trip to the bank for when the business is open, students have to fit their schedule into ours, not the other way around.
Just imagine if you said to your bank, “Well, I know you close at 5 on weekdays, but that doesn’t really work for me. Couldn’t you just stay open until 6:30 on Thursdays so I can get there?” When you simply switch the context, you can see how ridiculous it sounds.
Teachers are OPEN for business and CLOSED for business at certain hours. Stick to it.
Further Reading
A final tip I have for you regarding boundaries is to learn the essential art of saying NO. There’s too much to talk about that here, but I’ve already written about it at length in this article, which I’d highly suggest you read! (Spoiler alert: saying NO doesn’t make you mean, just like self-care doesn’t make you selfish!)
You’re not going to be a good teacher, parent, or spouse if you are literally breaking down with no recharge. A cell phone with a dead battery is an expensive paperweight. YOU need a recharge, and no one is going to implement that but YOU.