Tips for Starting the School Year Right: RESPECT

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

~Theodore Roosevelt

Have you ever heard the old piece of advice: “Don’t let ‘em see you smile ‘til Christmas”? I’m here to tell you that’s a bad idea.  

Odds are, you didn’t get into teaching because you hate working with kids…educators tend to have compassionate, generous personalities. It is a profession dedicated to helping others, after all. Let the kids know that you are there to help them: it’s literally your job. In my experience, this really brings down their guard and they are encouraged to give you (and the work you are asking them to do) a chance. We are all less defensive when we believe that someone is genuinely trying to help us.

I’m happy to say that I generally do really well in the “rapport with students” category on annual teacher assessments. But more importantly, my students and I genuinely develop mutually respectful relationships. Now, I will tell you honestly that mine is not the classroom where every kid hangs out in their spare time, though I do always have a few who like to stop by for to visit after they’ve moved onward and upward (and I have often found that the ones who gravitate toward me on their own are not necessarily those I would have expected).

I have had many students feel confide in me about things like abuse at home and personal struggles and insecurities. I have also been able to help students with extreme anxiety feel at ease with me, which I really take as a badge of honor. This underscores the importance of always remembering to be kind; you truly never know when you might be impacting someone else without even realizing it.

What has worked best for me over the years is to be real and warm right from day one: friendly, smiling, enthusiastic, and energetic, with a genuine care for these young, impressionable humans entrusted to me. Oh–and also, to hold the boundaries and show that I mean business. How to strike this balance? I’m glad you asked!

Parenting & Teaching

After I became a mom, I realized that this is what parents do. We love our kids, but we also hold the line and discipline them. As a teacher, your students are your kids for several hours a day even if you have none at home. Being a teacher made me a better parent, and being a parent made me a better teacher. While one doesn’t replace the other, both are built on relationship. 

Children of all ages really DO respond well to established routines and boundaries. People of all ages generally do NOT respond well to feeling like someone is wasting their time. Here’s a short list of 3 things I’ve found that work well to establish relationships in the classroom.

TIP #1: Respect is NOT earned

Some folks have the attitude that “respect has to be earned, not given,” and “I’ll give you respect when you show it to me first.” To those folks I say: I hope you’ve got some patience. Especially if you teach high school.

In the first few days of school, my students and I are strangers to each other. I’m in a position of authority over them, and yes, I do have an expectation that they should respect me as their elder and their teacher…BUT I don’t approach them by demanding it! Teenagers are quite used to being stereotyped by the older generation, and folks having negative expectations of them before they’ve even said a word. They are used to living with disrespect as the default.

I believe that people of all ages (yes, teenagers too) will fill the shoes you give them. So I give them the shoes instead of making them run around barefoot to earn them.

First, I give students an idea of what they can expect from ME and then flip it around to what I expect from them. Spoiler alert: the list is pretty similar for both. (See below for screenshots from my actual opening day slides):

I tell my students that they don’t have to earn my respect; they already have it based on the fact that they are fellow human beings. Frankly, to think differently about it is rather arrogant. What gives a teacher the right to talk down to a student based on age and title? If that was your own child, how would you feel about his teacher treating him that way?

I believe wholeheartedly that all human life has inherent value by the simple virtue of existence. No need to earn it.

Tip #2: Respect Time

I am busy, and I always have been. As a high school senior, I had late arrival privileges, but I used that time to fill my daily schedule with 3 part-time jobs, cheerleading, dance, a boyfriend who lived 45 minutes away, and taking an off-campus college course in addition to my high school courses. (Ok, so it was a bit unbalanced at the time…)

Fast forward to 20 years later: I’m now teaching full time, attending and/or helping at my church 2-3 times per week, and blogging part time…I am also committed to giving my husband and four kids my best possible wife/mom self every day. (Yes, it’s a tall order; it’d be great if I could just have 34 hours in a day…)

The point is, I know busy.

And while I do know that some of my students go home and veg on video games all night, I also know that there are others cut from the same cloth as me, who have hectic lives and schedules even at age 15. 

I love efficiency; I hate wasting time. It’s such a precious commodity in high demand and short supply. For me, this is a respect thing, too: I tell my students that I respect their time enough not to waste it with filler or busy work. I ask them to trust me that whenever I give them an assignment, it’s because that thing is worth their time. The result? 

Generally, “reluctant” learners and those who come to class only because they are forced to, as well as high-achieving students who are very involved in extracurriculars meet in the middle here: both respond really well to the promise that I’m not here to waste their time. As a result of that trust, they’re more willing to work.

Tip #3: What to do when students DON’T respect you

But what if a student doesn’t fill up those shoes? What is they act disrespectfully despite your best efforts? (I know, it’s an unlikely scenario…but let’s just PRETEND for a moment, shall we?)

Do we disrespect them back? Eye for an eye? Of course not.

This SHOULD go without saying, but somebody in the back needs to hear it: If you conduct yourself in a way that is beyond reproach, you will never find a need to defend your words or actions to parents, students, or administration. 

And as for the blatant disrespect that students can sometimes sling your way, you’ve just got to channel your inner Elsa or Beatle at that point and Let it Go…Let it Be. Do not allow the heated words of an angry teenager to define how you see yourself or the world.

If you’re really in one of your better moments as a human being, you might even be able to look at that mouthy, annoying kid with compassion and love. Remember that hurt people hurt people. You probably have no idea the nuances of what is going on in that kid’s life. Remember that the human brain isn’t fully developed until age 25 , and this person is years behind you in life experience and practice self-regulating. They may have SO much going on behind the scenes that they just blew their top; they just lost their cool. And you happened to the be the one around at the time; nothing personal.

It is generally true that others are often fighting private battles we know nothing about; if we can give people the benefit if the doubt, some grace, and preemptive compassion instead of angry retribution, we will quickly realize that is is very difficult to stay angry.

Final thoughts

All the classroom management strategies in the world will fall flat if they aren’t built on the bedrock of solid relationships of mutual respect. I’ll be posting other blogs on various classroom management techniques, but really, respect is the foundation for all of them. It’s quite simple to execute and doesn’t require any experience in teaching to try out for the first time. So if you’re a brand new teacher, start here. Show that smile on the first day, and keep it there 🙂

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes